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No Expectations, Please Part 2

No expectations and being cool with that.  Getting to this point is a huge change in mind set.  Following are ways to get you there.  And get you back when you go off track.

A.  Big job interview, speech or meeting: 

1.  Take some extra time for you before the event.  Be over prepared.  Know exactly what you want going in.

2.  If you don’t get what you want, don’t lament.  Sit back, breathe and say to yourself:  Is this what I really wanted?  Is there anything I could have done better?  Or if it turned out really bad remember this:  What is the opportunity in this that I’m not seeing?  This kind of thinking makes you pro-active instead of sucking you into the “woe is me.”

3.  Being pro-active in the above example A is not working.  Do something physical.  It will help you clear your mind.  This is why I’m such a fan of kick boxing.  It gets rid of that edgy energy that keeps you in “woe is me” mode and gets you back into hot pro-active mode.

4.  Cut yourself some slack.  This will be unbelievably tough for us women.  Do whatever it takes FOR YOU to do this.   If kick boxing doesn’t work, try a hot shower, sex, a massage, taking the time to glam it up.  Key:  make this fun and not a chore to take care of you.

B.  You meet a fantastic guy.  Gorgeous brain, body and he smells amazing.  You start thinking instead of enjoying him.  Thoughts like this creep into your brain:  I want him for my boyfriend! I want to live together! Our wedding will be soooo romantic!  Our children will rock the world!  STOP.

1.  Enjoy the moments with him.  No anticipation or expectations.  When you fall into thoughts of “the future,” go forward and stay true to you by focusing on the right now:  I love how he opens doors for me.  He has a really sexy smile.  Nice kisser.  Mmmm….kissing him tonight would be fun.  Oh, that’s right.  I have kick boxing tonight.  (enjoy the thought of the next kiss.  Period)

2.  When the relationship gets more involved, stay glued to your passions.  Remember to ask yourself if this is a man that you can depend on.  Do you want a man who does what you ask him to do?  Or one that agrees to do something for you and then doesn’t do it?  You call, text, email to remind him and he doesn’t follow through.  Or worse, he gives you a hard time about it.  This is classic deflection, ladies, Bitches.  Don’t play this game.  You’re working too hard for this guy.  Stop.  This is a  simple concept that will save you so much drama.  Simple concept that is a challenge to overcome.

But you’re so up to that hot little challenge, aren’t you?  Love, Goddess

© S Stevens Life Strategies

No Expectations, Please

Mmmm…gorgeous blue, warm, tropical water

No expectations.  Being in the moment.  Going with the flow.  Accepting any obstacle that’s thrown in your face with the phrase “This is perfect, something is coming that’s even better.”

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?  It’s not.  It takes practice and a huge change in mindset.  Then add this to the mix:  I’m doing A, B or C.  This is supposed to be fun.  Everyone else seems to be having fun.  But me?  Eh.  Doesn’t do it for me.  So am I crazy? A downer?  No fun?  No…I just want something else.  Knowing it.  That is the serious trick.  Being in the midst of something, not feeling it and changing direction.  Going in the direction you want.  Even when the rest of the herd is going in another direction.  Okay.  That was a lot.  Let’s break it down into two delicious bites.

1.  Learning to go with the flow, no expectations and letting the curve balls thrown your way slide off you.

2.  Focusing on the other possibilities yet unseen, Parts One and Two.

My best friend and I, Mary Ann, were in South Beach this past weekend.  There were parties galore, a wedding to attend and so much more.  We were expecting a hectic, crazy weekend with little sleep.  What we got was completely different.

1.  Learning to go with the flow, no expectations and letting the curve balls thrown your way slide off you.

There were so many examples of #1, but here is the simplest.  Friday night party:  We got there at 12:30 am  because we were really glamming it in our hotel room!  As we were walking into the party, all of our girlfriends were leaving!  Mary Ann says:  “Is this a bad sign?”  I laughed.  We enter the party on a gorgeous rooftop.  It’s beautiful.  Candles, comfy sofas, palm trees, soothing sensual music.  And like, 10 people.  Mary Ann and I give each other knowing glances.  We order a drink.  The bartender is so plastered she forgets how to make the drink.  When she makes it, the top falls off the lime bottle spigot into the drink and she fished it out with—her hand!  Another knowing look between Mary Ann and I.  We drink our drink, and I say…”Are you done?”  She laughs and says, “Yeah.”

We took longer to get ready than we were out!  Was it a disappointment?  No.  We had a great night at our favorite pasta place in South Beach Rosinella, had a blast getting ready, were entertained by an inebriated bartender and relaxed on a warm breezy rooftop with beautiful music.  And…there were two parties on Saturday night!  No worries.  Guess what?  Saturday night’s parties went the same as Friday’s.  We got all glammed up, and we were raring to go!  Gorgeous dresses, make-up and sass to burn.  I think we were the first ones to leave.

2.  Focusing on the parts yet unseen, Part One.

This is the point we realized that this time it wasn’t about the partying and the crazy in South Beach for us.  It was about the relaxation.   She is a personal assistant for a wealthy man.  I run my own business.  And an improv group.  We needed to relax!  We relaxed all afternoon at The Delano.  We did the same on Sunday.  That’s where our fun heaven was.  By the pool, on the beach, skinny dipping in the warm water.  And you know what?  We couldn’t see how much we needed to relax until we actually did it.  For a whole day.  We still didn’t realize it until we discussed how lame we thought were being.  We were not being lame.  We were doing exactly what we wanted to do.  Relaxing, dressing up, making our entrances at a fabulous parties, and then leaving.  Perfection.  No following the herd was necessary.

Heaven on earth: The Delano Miami www.delano-hotel.com/#/home/

  The Delano Pool…why would you want to leave here? 

2.  Focusing on the parts yet unseen, Part Two.

We were finally relaxed and realizing that was perfect.  Here is where #2:  “Focusing on parts yet unseen, Part Two” comes in.  We realized we wanted new experiences in South Beach.  Spread our wings.  So we were walking along the beach one morning, myself, Mary Ann and two other friends.  I said we should go to the Bahamas on one of these trips.  The two others in unison said…”Yes!  We could hop on one of the cruise ships for a few days!”  Done.  We are researching now.  We also discovered new restaurants, a fabulous place to watch football, early morning walks on the beach (in the past we would have been too tired to take) and so much more.  Bottom line:  We captured our bliss.

Bitch Review:  Relaxing expectations and not over thinking helps you see the hidden gems around you.  Slowing down is key.  Our faced paced world makes this really hard.  But you must.  Relax.  Breathe.  Take a shower.  Pamper yourself.  Take time for you with no guilt.  Enjoy thoughts that pop in your head and the possibilities.   On vacation, between vacations and days off.  You must do this for yourself, honey!  This will lead to much less drama, not taking things so seriously (especially fun!) and seeing humor in things not going your way.  And that is perfect!   Love, Goddess

For more:

1.  Sign of Sassy Strength

2.  This Guy has Absolutely NO Game!

3.  Bitch Lifestyle Home

© S Stevens Life Strategies

Female Sexuality Is Not A Pandora’s Box

I’m excited to introduce you to our guest poster.  Her name is Stephanie Vega and she runs a web site called Scandalous Women.   This a fantastic site for the intelligent and sexually aware female.  Enjoy her post and check out her site!  www.Scandalouswomen.com

 Picture from faithmcguire.blogspot.com

Female Sexuality Is Not A Pandora’s Box    

I was called a slut once in middle school by a girl after I kissed a guy she also liked at a school assembly. She wasn’t happy about it so she called me the one name she believed would be the most stinging. Slut. Perhaps it would have been insulting a generation prior but it was 1993 and being a slut had actually become rather chic for some of us.

Fourteen years and dozens of sexual conquests later I’m a big proponent of sex-positive feminism or ‘Stiletto Feminism,’ a movement born from the turbulent social and sexual upheavals of the 1960s that flourished in the 1980s and 90s as a back-lash against the conservative movement that endeavors to put limits on what women can and cannot do sexually. Broken down to its core component, sex-positive feminism’s message is a woman’s sexuality can and should be used not only for her pleasure but also her benefit if needed.

The Media Mirrors Society   

An article from 2000 in Time  featuring the cast of Sex and the City drew some positive attention to this phenomenon as did an episode of The West Wing. The August 2000 issue of George magazine also featured it, calling this a “new kind of feminism.” It described the “Stiletto Feminist” as the woman who “embraces expressions of sexuality that enhances rather than detracts from women’s freedom.” Dr. Susan Hopkins, a lecturer in The School of Journalism and Communication at the University of Queensland, wrote a cultural analysis of the contemporary archetype of the stiletto feminist in popular culture in her book Girl Heroes. Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt took the subject head on in their wildly popular book The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. To be fair, the movement was criticized in a book titled Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. All are excellent reads providing different perspectives of sex-positive feminism.

And those of us who have embraced the tenets of this, knowingly or unknowingly, have apparently been smart about it. At the same time HBO’s Sex and the City was becoming a phenomena, sexually provocative female pop stars were burning up the airwaves, and virginity was becoming an afterthought, something curious happened: Unplanned teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease rates dropped overall. You can credit great parenting, good government policy, effective ad campaigns from Trojan, or the fact that women were (finally) in charge of their own poonannies for the positive statistics, but one thing was certain – women knew what was at stake with their freedoms and weren’t going to blow it like some nervous fumbling girl enamored with her high school’s star quarterback.

A generation of young women (I dare say two generations because this movement began in the 60s) have found the courage to do what men have been doing forever: Fuck with wild abandon. After all, Ernest Hemingway famously said, “What is moral is that you feel good after and what is immoral is that you feel bad after.” And I’m here to tell you it feels good.

How Society Betrays Us

But that still doesn’t soften the blows other women inflict on us if we’re too sexual. Just as many of us have a new found freedom and confidence, our sisters seek to tear us down, to undermine our sexuality through guilt and shame. You know the game, right? If a woman walks into a room like she owns the place, maybe dressed provocatively, our first thought is ‘slut!’ We may even secretly envy her, but she’s tough competition for attention from the men in the room. And we can’t possibly admire her for it outwardly, so we make ourselves feel better by branding a scarlet letter on her.

And that attitude isn’t without evolutionary and generational causes. Women have been taught since the dawn of recorded history that our sexuality is a commodity to be bargained with and exchanged for security within a marriage. If some women throw those norms out the window, the reasoning goes, they cheapen the supply. Men will be less likely to provide security for women if they can get what they’re seeking free somewhere else – or so we’ve been taught. So women, based on something ingrained in their minds by societal norms, will naturally try to offset what they see as the devaluation of their ‘product’ by undermining sexually confident women.

Of course, it isn’t only women who are condemning other women’s sexuality. In male-dominated societies, female sexuality has always been feared. One of the earliest myths in Judaism is of Lilith, Adam’s first wife, who was banished from the Garden of Eden for being on top in a sexual encounter with Adam. Notice the sin wasn’t the sex itself but rather the woman was on top of the man rather than beneath him. Theories persist today that the forbidden fruit that Eve tempted Adam with was actually a metaphor for having sex for reasons other than procreation. One of the first laws in recorded history calls for stoning to death any woman who has had sex with more than one man.

Consider also some of the double standards our daughters are subjected to. Men who sleep with a variety of women, moving from one conquest to the next, are often admired while women who engage in the same behavior are considered whores. Rape victims are sometimes blamed for their own assaults because of the way they were dressed, obviously meaning they were asking for it. Many insurance plans will cover Viagra but not the birth control pill. Some pharmacies refuse to honor prescriptions for the birth control pill unless the female can prove she’s married. And on the topic of the pill, a controversy brewing in England right now is whether teen girls should be given access to it over the counter while at the same time teen boys have been buying condoms unhindered for years.

A History of Female Sexual Freedom

What are the roots of this new “slutty” movement? Well, how far do you want to go back? Historically, in many societies, when women’s economic status improves, so do their sex lives. It stands to reason, right?  When women are kept uneducated and dependent on men, they’re less likely to experiment sexually for fear of being branded a whore. And, indeed, for the many women who sought such pleasures of the flesh in past times and were found out, the repercussions were devastating. No money, no education, no job skills, and no marriage prospects. Psychologist Dr. David Ley, in his fascinating book Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them postulates the traditional roles of men and women have always been dictated by economics and given a level playing field in that respect, women and men would not be that different in their pursuit of carnal adventures.

Ley explains that female sexual freedom throughout the history of the world ties directly to the economic independence enjoyed by women in any given society. Among the Inuit, where women have sexual freedoms comparable to the men of their society, the women traditionally oversee the family’s economy. The government of ancient Sparta, where women were allowed to own land, wrote laws protecting women’s sexual freedom. Among the Islamic culture in 19th Century Morocco, wealthy women often engaged in flagrant affairs, protected from their husband’s anger by the fact that family’s wealth was in the wife’s name, inherited from her family. In 18th- and 19th-century Italy, women had a Cicisbeo or Cavalier Servente, a lover and servant who had “privileged” access to her.  In today’s Western world, as women’s economic status has risen, so have the rates of female infidelity, and, not incidentally, the attention to female sexual satisfaction within heterosexual relationships. (translation: guys are trying much harder to make us happy in the bedroom).

A book that takes on the practical application of sex-positive feminism is The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. It is credited with raising awareness of the possibility of consensual non-monogamy as a lifestyle, and providing practical guidance on how such long term relationships work and are put into practice.  The authors define the term slut as “a person… who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.” The term is reclaimed from its usual use as an insult and is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of intimacy with others. The book discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships.

A Box That Can’t Be Closed

Of course, all this super hot sluttiness isn’t for everyone and yes, it does have its pitfalls. Emotions can get involved, heartbreaks ensue, and unwanted pregnancies and diseases do happen still in alarming numbers, especially in states that lean conservative in their politics and where abortion, sex education and family planning often swing elections wildly to one side. And as mentioned above, should you ever drink the golden nectar of promiscuity, other women can be your worst enemy. But as women achieve social and economic parity with men, the notion we should only have sex when we’re swept away by romance, love, or lies is fading into history. So as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. Government should continue their push for quality sex education in our schools. Parents should make their daughters’ and sons’ safety a higher priority than morality. And other women shouldn’t fear their sisters’ blossoming carnal confidence. Female sexuality doesn’t have to be a Pandora’s Box. 
 Stephanie Vega is a writer and marketing professional. She is the owner of www.Scandalouswomen.comthe net’s first female sexuality lifestyle site.,   

You’re Not Alone Anymore

“You’re not alone anymore.  You don’t have to do this alone.  I’m here for you.”

Words that we really want to hear and trust.  We want to believe and take comfort in these words.  Most of the time it’s bullshit.  And that’s okay.  I know it.  (insert sassy smile)  Person is just trying to be nice. 

Well, you know what?  Not impressed.  I’m talking about the people trying to be too nice.  I don’t want too nice.  People that are too nice have no balls.  And they are loaded and I mean LOADED with fear.  They say all the right things to keep all their ducks in a row and work every angle to keep things on an even keel.  For them.  This may sound a little cold, but I don’t have time for this.  I hear what they have to say and then let them prove it.  That they’ll be there.   Remember the old cliche’:  Talk is cheap.  I can only truly put my trust in the people that say that they are going to be there and then actually do it.   Watching and appreciating action versus words have saved me so much pain the last few years.   And we’ve all experienced that kind of pain, haven’t we?  People saying that they are going to be there.  And then disappear. 

Words mean absolutely nothing unless they have action to back them up.  I want a person to back up their words with action.  Because I want people in my life that will fight for me like I fight for them.  We deserve nothing less, Bitches!  What do I have control over?  Me.  What do you have control over?  YOU.  Going for what we want, making sure it happens and not caring who gets credit.  And kickboxing.  😉 Kickboxing is a way for me, anyway, to focus on the decisions to be made and getting rid of the frustration of people being too nice.

This is me reaffirming to myself to do what needs to be done.  And for YOU when you get this in your life.  When you really like someone and you hear those words “You’re not alone anymore.  I’m here for you.”  Enjoy the thought, but keep in mind they are just pretty words until they have action to back them up.  And when those words transform into encouraging hugs, cheers when you do well and smiles?  They become bliss and a soothing, loving and warm safety net. 

If a person says these words to you and then doesn’t produce the action, don’t sink into Drama Queen.  It’s so easy to sink into the Drama Queen when this happens.  The worry, doubts, the whys.  This is fear.   Fear, doubt and worry can lead you to trying to get attention and keep it by chasing someone.  If someone truly cares, there won’t be a chase.  We slay fear here by staying grounded with the people that have proven over time that they care and will be there.  When Drama Queen starts to reel her bratty tiara we call girlfriends or do something that makes us feel good.  We ACT.  We have the power to change the inaction of someone else into pleasurable action.  Our action.  By giving ourselves the love and respect we send out to the world.  Kinda cool, huh?

And remember…I am always here for you if you need a cyber hug or sassy tickle to get you back in the groove.  Love, Goddess

© S Stevens Life Strategies