Dating Advice for Women: You Choose the Man!

Dating Advice for Women: You Choose the Man,channing tatum,
Hot Channing Tatum image from Double Duty Mommy

I don’t care if he looks like this.  Choose wisely in dating hotties!

Dating advice for women:  You choose the men you want to date!

I have noticed something about the women around my orbit lately.  In coaching, business and out and about.  I have met not 1, not 10, but 23 women in the last two weeks that are succumbing to fear.  They are letting go of their power of choice and letting the guy choose them in dating.  It’s an unhealthy choice.  It almost guarantees this going through their minds during a date:  “If I spend one more minute with this guy I’m going to die.”

Men are sneaky.  They will tell you upfront what’s wrong with them.  In a humorous, self-effacing way.  As a result, you will be amused, charmed.  Make no mistake.  You agree to a date?  Check mate for him. Men turn on the charm when they want something from us.  Like sex.  They can make things like this sound heroic:   I’m looking for a partner to face lifes’ battles with 110%! (In a husky, sexy voice) Meanwhile, he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and has no idea what he wants to do. (except have sex with you at the moment)  The reason why that tactic works?  We SO want that as women.  We want the man who will stand by us 110% through thick and thin.  At our worst and best.  We need that in a man to feel secure, loved and cherished.  We want that when we are crazed…in child birth, when PMSing, or just having a bad day.  And then we will surrender …  for the most part … sassy smile.  If a guy says this to us?  We so want it to be us that we go temporarily insane and start saying things to ourselves like this:

“Awww…that’s what I’ve been searching for my whole life!”

“Pick me!  I’d go the ends of the earth with you!”

“Finally.  My Dashing Knight has arrived!”

LOL…come on…it’s a little funny our sentimental romantic, no?  However…

We must never settle.  Especially regarding the first date!  If you “settle” for a guy on a first date?  It puts you on the path of getting attached to a man who is not good for you.  I can’t tell you how many men have told me point blank their “issues” on the very first date.  If he tells you any of these things on the first date or before?  This man is not good for you.  I put the “Male Issue” first and then in italics exactly why it is not good for you.

Male Issue:  “I just got divorced, broke up with someone.”  Run…he needs time to heal emotionally.  Don’t be his rebound girl.

Male issue:  “I just got out of rehab, prison, etc.”   Run…he needs time to adjust.  NOT on your time.  

Male Issue:  “I’m having financially issues.”   Run…he is telling you he is irresponsible.  He’ll be asking you for money soon, girl.  RUN!

Male Issue:  “I don’t think I want to get married.”   If you want marriage and a guy says this to you?  RUN.  He is telling you he will not commit up front.  Then if you bring it up 2 years later, all he has to say is, “I told you I didn’t think I wanted to get married.”  You have no recourse because by continuing to date him, you agreed to his terms!

Male issue:  “I cheated on my last girlfriend.”   Run.  He just told you he is not faithful.   If you continue to date him and he cheats?  You should not be surprised.  He is only following through with past actions.

So the moral of the story is…ask questions, listen, and know what you want!  There are plenty of men out there who don’t cheat, are financially responsible and would do anything to make you smile. They follow up.  They produce.  Choose your criteria and men wisely!  Love, Goddess

© S Stevens Life Strategies

Honesty Serves Your Inner Goddess

Ninon de Lenclos from: The Fister Hotel

“The joy of spirit is the measure of its force.”  Ninon de Lenclos

Honesty serves your inner Goddess?

Yes…100%.  Think about the people who are always honest with you.  These people are more than likely fighting for you to be the best YOU.  Sometimes it’s painful to hear…but a person who truly loves you will be honest with you….the good, the bad and the ugly.  We must love ourselves as much as the people who love us for our honesty.  If someone can love you for your honest you and share that with you…how can we not see that honesty in ourselves and make it what we live for?  It’s our good. Our bad. Our ugly. That’s way I chose the tag line…”Love Every Drop of Gorgeous You.”

One of my favorite women in history is Ninon de Lenclos.  In an era where women were not expected to think for themselves, her intellect attracted the most powerful men in the world to her.  Kings included.  They craved her incite on whatever they needed to discuss.  From The Book of the Courtesans by Susan Griffin:

Ninon de Lenclos remained uncertain about religion all her life, though this uncertainty did not prevent an abbe’ from falling in love with her when she was 80 years old.  In her inimitable fashion, she continued to enjoy life and inspire admiration until her last breath at the ripe old age of 85.  True to her lucidly honest character to the end, just before her death, asking for pen and paper, she wrote:

“Let no vain hope be held out to make my courage waver.

I am of an age to die, what is there left for me to do here?”

After which she closed her eyes and died.

The abbe’ respected her honesty about her uncertainty about religion so much that he fell in love with her!  Her honesty invigorated him.  She wasn’t a spring chicken either at 80. Amazing. And then to honestly know she would be dead in a moment or two and share it and do it. It takes a lot of courage and honesty to know it is your time and be firmly at peace with it. Ninon lived her honesty each day of her life with vigor and enthusiasm. This is hard to do because it takes so much courage!  Courage to stand in your truth.  We live in a society a lot like hers now. The ones daring to be different are ridiculed.  The ones daring to stand up for themselves shot down or met with apathy.

People who lack honesty within themselves don’t know what they want.  When you know you want something you are passionate about it and fight for it!  So many people are going after what they think they want and it’s not making them happy.  By facing the truth and realizing they are not happy, they may have to ditch all they have accomplished.  And start over. Which is frustrating, depressing and really hard!  It can lead to apathy and what’s the use?  I’ll settle for this because of X, Y or Z.  Settling is not living and it’s certainly not being honest within yourself.

honesty,ninon de lenclos, lola montez,courtesans,seductresses,
Lola Montez image from Beautiful With Brains

“I must live before I die!”  Lola Montez

Link to the book by Lola Montez The Arts of Beauty or Secrets of a Lady’s Toilet…with Hints to Gentlemen on the art of Fascinating

It is never ever too late to discover who your honest self is and live it.  EVER.  That’s what life is all about.  Figuring out who the heck hot little you is.  And living it.  By enthusiastically embracing the discovery of Honest You, you will soar to levels of confidence you never thought existed.  Your energy will attract those with the same mind set and make you go even higher!  Sound cool?  Yeah it does!  So Bitch University is now open.  Explore the below classes to help you start taking ownership of you-your honesty and all the joys that come when you start living it!  Love, Goddess

Class Curriculeum:

  1. Start here for focus and to re-invigorate the lust you have for YOU and lifes’ possibilities:   The Bitch Rules
  2. Choice, Compromise and the Drama Queen
  3. Outsmart Back Stabbers
  4. For when you need a laugh:  Self-Esteem Quiz
  5. Bitch Lifestyle the Manual

© S Stevens Life Strategies

The Big O

The Big O © Paul H. Byerly
Image from The XY Code

It’s something that comes up in my private coaching sessions a lot…men pleasuring a woman.  I insist that a women allows herself to “surrender” and let a man pleasure her first.  It’s the ultimate give and take process…letting him give you an orgasm first.  It shows how much he is willing to give you. For some of us this equals a lot of anxiety. See “Embrace Our Sexual Organs.”  Getting to the comfort level of allowing someone to give you so much. Relaxing so you can receive so much.  When I read this article…written by a man, I just had to share it with you.  It explains what is going through his mind when he is pleasuring a woman.  Why it means so much to him to give you this pleasure.  It shares HIS anxieties about pleasuring a woman. I’m hoping this will relieve some anxiety from some beautiful clients of mine AND touch you with how much the men who love us want to give to us! I hope to inspire deeper communication regarding the subject with the men you love.  Article is by Paul H. Byerly, Marriage and Sex Educator and, along with his wife, created the website The XY Code Decoder of the Male Mind.  I would like to offer him my deep appreciation for what he is communicating through his website and the priveledge of allowing me to share with you.  And now…The Big O:

Why he wants her to climax every time

The full results of the survey are on the TMB website. I have numbers below, and men’s comments in a couple of sections (read these and you will hear the heart – and confusion – of the men) but I will start with some conclusions.

What it means about him

Most men feel it is very important for their wife to enjoy sex. When she does not they feel selfish, and even if they get past that they do not enjoy sex as much as when she does climax. Most men will try to get their wife to climax even when she has made it clear she does not want it (69% said they have done this). While part of this is pride, it is also rooted in not understanding how it is possible to enjoy sex without having an orgasm. To most men it is like saying you enjoyed a meal even though you did not put a single bite of food in your mouth.

Those men who have learned to be okay with her not climaxing every time say honest, open conversation helped them accept it. This involved not only “I don’t need to every time” but also explaining why she does not want or feel able to climax every time. An explanation of the enjoyment she gets from sex even when she does not have an orgasm was also important. Explaining that feeling pressured to climax makes it more difficult to get there will also be helpful.

Understand that most men enjoy sex a great deal – it is one of the very best things in life. It is natural to want to share good things with the woman you love. This is not selfish; it is the heart of love!

A few facts from the 415 women who took the survey

(Based on previous surveys we know most of these women are sex positive):

How often do you want to climax when they are sexual with their husband.

  • 22% want to climax every time.
  • 35% want to at least 90% of the time, but not every time.
  • 19% want orgasm 75% to 90% of the time.
  • 14% say 50% to 75% of the time.
  • 6% say 25% to 50%
  • 4% want to climax less than 25% of the time.

The desire to climax at least 75% of the time went up with age

  • 20’s – 71%
  • 30’s – 75%
  • 40’s – 79%
  • 50+ – 80%

Now for the 596 men.

Has your wife ever told you she did not want to climax when you were having or about to have sex?

  • Thirty six percent have never had their wife say this (this includes 14% who say she wants to every time).
  • Two percent heard it in the past, but not now.
  • Thirty-two hear this from their wife, and another 29% hear it on rare occasions.

How do you feel when she does not want to climax? (Multiple answers allowed)

  • 39% are fine with it. In the comments it is clear many of them had to learn this.
  • 27% feel like a failure.
  • 14% think she really wants to, but is worried she is asking too much of him.
  • 6% feel unloved.
  • The most common added answer in the comments was they feel disappointed. Others said they feel selfish or guilty.

What you think about her not wanting to climax every time?

  • 44% are fine with it.
  • 34% said they believe her, but cannot understand it.
  • 20% said “It’s her body, whatever she wants.”
  • 18% said their wife always wants to climax.
  • 11% said she would want to if she were not so uptight.
  • Only 3% said, “Whatever, makes it easier for me.”

Men’s Comments:

Self-Doubt:

  • Maybe I’m doing something wrong.
  • Like I’m not satisfying her needs.
  • I feel I can’t satisfy her, so she’s not satisfied with me.
  • I feel she is not attracted to me or not enjoying sex.
  • I see it as a “nice” way to explain that I’m not likely to be good enough.
  • Feels like I forced her to have sex.
  • If I was more skilled she would want it more.
  • I still question my ability to please her.
  • I wonder why she does not want to make love with me, and if she just wants to get it over.
  • I THINK SHE’S JUST PATRONIZING ME.
  • I feel like I failed in foreplay to bring her to the point where she can climax. I feel like I was selfish and shorted her on her sexual experience.
  • I feel disconnected, and dissatisfied.

Not as Enjoyable:

  • I become less aroused.
  • It’s not as fun, and I usually feel guilty, like I’m inconveniencing her.
  • I feel unwanted.
  • Makes me not want to have sex.
  • If sex is “just for me” I would tend to prefer she pleases me orally or manually instead… for some reason I don’t like full intercourse as much when we’re not trying to get her there as well.
  • It makes it feel like a release instead of making love.
  • Makes me feel like sex is a chore for her and she just wants to get it over with.
  • Feel like I am letting her down somehow and I feel like I am missing out on something as well. Odd but I feel deprived.
  • Disappointed. Like I’m using her as a masturbatory toy in a way.
  • Feel as if she sacrifices her own pleasure for mine and must have sex for my pleasure.

Why it Matters to Him:

  • Giving my wife an orgasm is more pleasing to me than my own.
  • I think she doesn’t realize how much pleasure I get from her orgasm.
  • My wife’s orgasms are important to me. I understand that it has to do with feelings of esteem and sexual potency. I also understand that men receive pleasure by giving pleasure. I am pleased when I believe my wife is pleased sexually.
  • I like it more after I please her. It’s the best foreplay for me.
  • I would rather that she climax almost every time because it would mean that she was having as much fun as I am.
  • Although I am trying to change the thought I have always felt that a climax indicated that the sex was good. When she doesn’t climax or doesn’t want to climax it makes me feel like a failure as a lover. I want her to climax so she can get as much enjoyment from sex as I do.
  • It’s usually the fact that she knows I want/need sex but she doesn’t so she basically says “just do it”, which I don’t want… I want love making.
  • Because my wife has given up on even trying to have an orgasm, that tells me that sex is nothing more than a chore for her. I’ve told her that, but she says that providing an orgasm for me is satisfying to her. I appreciate that, but it hurts me to the core of my being that she does not selfishly desire sex for the pleasure it could bring to her. I so long for her to truly WANT sex instead of simply tolerate it because she knows I enjoy it.

Questioning Her or Upset With Her:

  • I think it sometimes is a matter of it taking too long in her mind.
  • She must be in a hurry.
  • Frustrated because I think this should be the normal outcome.
  • Her choosing not to orgasm, makes it OK for her not to work on having a great sex life.
  • I wish she would at least try.
  • I get a lot of “duty sex”. So it’s not surprising she doesn’t regularly orgasm. When she is aroused it doesn’t take too much.
  • She NEVER wants an orgasm, and REFUSES anything except PIV to even try.
  • Not every time, but should be usually… rather than rarely. Is it sexual laziness?
  • If she’d orgasm every time she’d want to have more sex.
  • My wife never has and is fearful of it. I wish she would overcome her fear and experience pleasure that God intended for us to share in.
  • She has spectacular orgasms most of the time w/o much effort so it is hard to understand why she wouldn’t want to.
  • She NEVER wants to, so I have grown numb.
  • I’m concerned that the sex is only out of wifely duty instead of wanting me.
  • She has had only one orgasm in her life (very early on in our relationship pre-marriage). She refuses to even try and has made comments that she is “broken” in that department. Her defeated attitude is very discouraging to me.
  • My wife thinks sex is dirty. She thinks I am a crazed animal. She believes as long as she lays there and lets me “do her” then I should be happy.

Acceptance: 

  • If she is okay with it I am okay with it.
  • It used to bother me, but she has since explained pretty well why she doesn’t sometimes.
  • She has told me outright that there are times she wants to bless me and concentrate on me because I am the higher drive spouse. I’m ok with that now.
  • The point of lovemaking is the satisfaction of both partners, and satisfaction is relative. It is a joint affair, and particular needs or wants can and often do change as lovemaking progresses. So if one partners satisfaction means that he or she does not orgasm in a particular encounter, I see no trouble with it, as long as both parties understand what that means and why.
  • She enjoys our time together, but doesn’t need to orgasm every 72 hours like I do.
  • I know that her desires are different to mine and I accept that. I don’t necessarily understand but I don’t have to. She also knows that if she asks I am always willing to get her over anyway she likes or she can get herself over during sex if she wants to.
  • Sometimes she has multiple orgasms and she says she is “way ahead of me” if we were keeping score, so its ok if she doesn’t every time. (her words, not mine)
  • I used to take it personally. I did not understand when she said she enjoyed being close without it. We are better now – since I stopped pressuring her, she’s freer to climax. Sometimes she even helps herself.
  • I wish I knew earlier that it was somewhat natural for her not to want to orgasm. I chased after it and she began to resent it. She still doesn’t believe that it’s generally ok with me and that I understand. Still, I think that it would be good if she considered it a little more (see I still don’t get it). Once a month is about what she can handle.

Other:

  • It was my ego that made me want her to climax every time. It made ME feel better for her to have one.
  • At our age, she always climaxes. When we were younger, she couldn’t make it sometimes, and I was OK with trying again some other night. These days, it is more likely me that cannot make it due to medications.
  • My goal is for her to orgasm every time.
  • I would do anything and spend any amount of time to bring your great pleasure. Sometimes she just isn’t there.
  • I feel selfish for continuing. But she wants to be giving towards me and wants me to climax.
  • She never wants to try and won’t let me stimulate her at all which makes me sad.
  • She says it’s still good for her, but I’d like to get her there.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I understand the pain so many of these men have expressed.

Interesting no?  More reading for you to ponder:

  1. The Guy That Always Comes Back
  2. Getting Rid of a Guy Who Is a Jerk
  3. The Bitch Rules

© S Stevens Life Strategies

Rejuvenation and the Sassy B

rejuvenation
Image from the website Ps of Mine

Rejuvenation…and all that Spring brings!

I was in a terrible mood today.  I’ve been sick for three weeks with the worst cough. I’ve been the most ungrateful and irritated creature known to humankind.  Nothing and no one could make feel better.  Because I didn’t want to feel better.  Bratty Bitch liked where she was.  And was I ever bratty.  Luckily I had a smidgeon of faith buried deep within me.  The little bit of faith that I just knew would snap me out of Bratty Pathetic Mode into party with it mode.  Thank GOD faith came through!  I had to share with you because we all go there…to the most pathetic of places.  The place of despair that is so annoying because it is so unjustified!  Then I realized what I needed.  Some Spring Rejuvenation.  STAT!

Time for some serious re-birth ladies. Just like the crocus that start peaking out below the dark earth…so shall we.  We will develop and explore all the rejuvenation that Spring symbolically brings.  To and for US.  Here are a few things I plan to do:

Spring Rejuvenation Party:

  1. I’m pulling it out!  My dusty and neglected list of wants, desires, adventures and treats!  I’m deleting the ones I don’t want anymore and adding all the new I do.  New adventures, travel plans…nail polish all of it!
  2. I’m bringing them all out.  All my forced bulbs will bloom in one delicious patch of Spring Rejuvenation in my home.  Just anticipating the delicious smell of the hyacinths is making me so happy!  If you didn’t force bulbs…no worries.  The grocery stores will be full of them soon for you to enjoy.
  3. On my next day off I am developing my Spring Body Rejuvenation Ritual.  I will devote at least 5 hours to honor my body, health, beauty and soul.
  4. Anything that is making me angry, bitter, stressed and worried is now to be proud of.  Inspired by and partied with.

That’s for starters.  I’ve even developed a new Rejuvenation Coaching Program to honor our re-birth:

Spring Rejuvenation Awakening Program!

What is included in the program:

  • Three weeks of live – via teleconference – 45 min phone sessions with me.  We study the joys, fears and more of feminine re-birth together.
  • Motivating and empowering homework, tips, tools and inspiration to help you rejuvenate, blossom and awaken your Sleeping Beauty.  This is key to owning your Sassy, Confident Bitch.
  • Email support from me for questions that come up during the course.
  • Before our first live teleconference I will customize the course for you…focusing on what you would love to see happen with you during your Re-Awakening process.

The price of my 3 week Private Coaching course is $350.00.  Email me at  goddess@bitchlifestyle.com  to be included in the course. If you sign up before this Saturday, April 5th 2014 by 5:00pm: I’m adding an extra week of homework and email support for you.  I really want you to rock Spring like you never have before! Love, Goddess

Testimonials:

“Thanks so much for your coaching program.  I knew I was coasting, but had no idea how much.”  Jenny

“I was bitter and enraged regarding my divorce.  I was searching for information on the web and your website came up.  It made sense!  I signed up and have really enjoyed our conversations in coaching.  Your course rejuvenated who I was before I got married was so fun.  Thanks for helping me rediscover my happy, sassy self!”  Susan

“After the first week and the exercises you gave me, I couldn’t believe how much lighter I felt.  I felt like I had dumped so much crap.  I was seeing how the Drama Queen was ruling my life.  Thank you for such an uplifting and inspiring program!  Denise

“I’ve rediscovered my feminine.  She was in a self-induced coma.  Thank you for helping me wake her up!”  Lauryn

“For the first time I can remember…I feel like ME.  Thank you.”  Jackie

© S Stevens Life Strategies