Bitch Rules

Do You Enable or Empower Those You Love?

Image result for public domain strong women quotes

                                          Alexis Colby.  Bad Ass. Quote from:  Ginger Rogers Quote Pinterest.

Do you enable or empower those you love?

From Meriam-Webster:

Enable:  to provide with the means or opportunity

Empower:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of

Upon reading both these definitions in the Meriam online…I realized that both words were quite similar. One however, “enable” didn’t require any follow through.  Enabling seems like love but it’s not.  It weakens the person that you think you are helping.  How does it weaken?  No consequences attached.  For example, a client of mine knew she was enabling her father.  She knew she had to stop.  She just couldn’t put the words and actions together so she could stop.  She wanted help from me to effectively do that.  Here is the scenario:

Justine’s 87 year old father is living on social security and recently moved in with her.  Part of the reason he moved in with Justine is because a young woman was taking his social security money from him every month.  Justine’s father would just give it to her without consequences.  He didn’t require proof that she was doing what she said she would with the money.  Nothing.  Zilch.  This young woman was okay leaving him with nothing to live on!  He told Justine he would stop.  Three months after moving in, Justine found her father was still giving this young woman his social security money.

Unbelievable.

Justine’s father was enabling this young chick by letting her take advantage of him.  What was the incentive for her to take care of herself if she didn’t have to pay back her “Daddy?” Zero. Justine would be enabling her father to continue this behavior if she didn’t find a way to stop him.  Here is how we solved the problem.  I told her exactly what to do:

  1.  Justine was to tell her father that his “rent” was to never pay that chick one red cent again.  Ever.
  2.  Justine and her husband were to go and have a little chat with the chick.  It was not to happen again and if it did they would have her arrested.

Would the young chick be empowered by this?  Probably not. Not Justine’s problem. Justine had to focus on how this would help her father.  Would he be empowered?  Hopefully.  At least he would be able to spend his money! Justine would definitely be empowered because she wasn’t allowing anyone to hurt her father.  Just sitting by while these things happen to those you love is not helping them.  Sometimes you have to fight for those you love.  That is one of the many ways to truly be there for someone.  By fighting for them when they are unable.

Justine’s father is doing much better.  He’s not giving the young chick money anymore and she, of course, has disappeared.  Justine’s father is a little lonely (Justine’s mother died a few years ago) but is enjoying his grand kids and new family life.  Justine wanted to share this story here because she was relieved when she stopped enabling her father.  Thank you Justine!  You’re strength is an inspiration to us all.

So beauties…how about it?  Are you enabling anyone you love in your life?  Are you being too nicey-nice when you should be kicking someone in the butt?  Assess and address.  And here is the biggest question of all.  Do you enable or empower YOURSELF?   Yes.  We will address and asses…in the very next post.   Love, Goddess

Suggested Reading:

  1.   Are We Losing the Bottom Line? 
  2.   How to Win an Argument with a Man
  3.   Bitch Lifestyle the Manual

© S Stevens Life Strategies

Competitiveness Where Has it Gone?

competitiveness,
Gorgeous image from Barb’s Centre for Dance

Competitiveness. The good kind. The kind that fuels your fire for success! How do you react when you hear these?

  1. You can’t do that.
  2. Why would you want to do that?
  3. Impossible.
  4. You don’t have it.
  5. Why don’t you try something easier?
  6. You’re not being fair.  That can KILL the good kind of competitiveness.  Watch being fair to the point of destroying what you are creating.
  7. To the blank stare you get when you share your idea or passion with someone.

If you aren’t rolling your eyes?  Renew your passionate competitiveness!  Competition is not a bad word. You want a gold medal?  You have to train. You want to be an actor or singer?  You have to train.  You want to be a lawyer?  Train.   Then apply the training.  The athlete has the sporting event.  The actor the audition. The lawyer the courtroom. Athlete, actor, lawyer…not one will succeed without the training and applying.  There will always be people competing for one opportunity. So relish the opportunity. Relish relish relish! Know when to fight.  Make giving up not an option. My regular readers know I run an improv group.  Our goal is to perform in Boston and beyond. A little over a year ago we lost a major opportunity. Performing at a well-known comedy theatre in Boston. My intuition was telling me we would be better on our own.  I had to convince the group of that. How? By getting another performing opportunity.  ASAP.  I knew that would motivate people.  A year later and we have 3 shows a month, a Director and groups coming to us because of our hard work. YES!

Want an example of something that kills “good competitiveness” today?  Twitter.  Twitter has nice people (check out my Twitter Twitterati list on @Goddesspower) It’s also has nasty people.  They take to Twitter and complain about everything.  They mock people and ideas.  You, me, how pathetic their lives are and exactly how they would do things and make things better.  ‘Cept they never do.  It’s passive action.  They are mean to millions but they can’t see their own fear and lack of courage.  Worse?  They lie to give their ideas truth.  Or don’t check their facts.  Because they read it somewhere.  Lies hurt people.  So is being uninformed.  Being uninformed hurts yourself.  This is a fun example from Jimmy Kimmel Live YouTube:

http://youtu.be/BVB3RqjV_y0

Watch out!  Lying and being uninformed may get you national exposure.  LOL.  So how do we stay OUT of the negative side of competitiveness?  It’s not easy…but here are some practical and fun ways!

  1. Avoid becoming close with people who compete with you in an unhealthy way.
  2. After a day surrounded with competitive, bad energy people?  Wash them off…literally.  Surround yourself in beauty to counteract the ugly.
  3. Instead of spending the day on social media, turn it off and call someone you’re close to and make a live date!
  4. Tell a fun male friend that you want them to tickle you until you beg for mercy.
  5. Wine, pomegranate margarita, scorpion bowl.  Depends on the day.  😉
  6. Find positive people.  Watch and learn. Soak in their energy!
  7. Keep encounters with people who work competitiveness in a negative way brief.  Prepare:  Have polite responses ready.
  8. Do something nice anonymously. It’s fun!
  9. Treat yourself to a blow out, pedicure or massage.
  10. Meditate.  I had to do that yesterday.  A LOT (lol)
  11. Create your “competitive dance.”  A dance to celebrate, encourage and wallow in when things go awry.
  12. Relish your passions!

Love, Goddess

© S Stevens Life Strategies

Stand By Me


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Goddess Power
Stand By Me

Fab image can be found at Search Quotes:  http://www.searchquotes.com/sof/images/picture_quotes/31525_20120811_001831_quotes-struggle.jpg

Bitch Rule #9:  We stand by those who stand by us.

Sassy Bitches notice who stands by them on their path to success.   Sassy Bitches also notice who sits up and takes notice after they’ve become a success.

You work hard and do all the things you are supposed to do to succeed.  Along the way you meet people who are cool and those who don’t give you the time of day.  Some have worked just as hard as you have.  You think they could be a bit nicer, but you understand their swagger.   They’ve earned it so you respect it.  Then there are the people who don’t give you the time of day and suddenly, when you start having your own success, they want to know how you do it.  Because they want what you have.  They want you to share your contacts, opportunities and basically just let them hitch a ride on your party train.

Yuck.

I have a client who is dealing with this very problem.  She has a Faux Girlfriend who comments only when she notices a success she is having on her Facebook.  It makes my client feel yucky.  The Faux Girlfriend asked my client to bring her on a business trip to meet her boss!  She was complaining to me about her Faux Girlfriend one day and I asked her why she was seeing someone who made her feel yucky.  She said they had been friends since High School.  I told her she was investing in something that made her feel bad.  Why would she do that when she could invest in people and things that made her feel good?  She didn’t have an answer.  She knew this person was sucking the life out of her.  She felt bad for her Faux Girlfriend and her lack of success.  She felt guilty.  That’s when Mama Bitch (the tough love side of me) came out:

Mama Bitch:  What color is her kitchen floor?

My Client:  What?

Mama Bitch:  Your girlfriends’.

My Client:  Uhm…it’s very dark green.

Mama Bitch:  (Very amused at the color of her floor)  Dark green huh…talk about a metaphor!  Green isn’t your best color.  Get off the floor.

My Client:  (silence)

I let the silence sit for a bit.

My Client:  What’s making me feel bad is lying down and taking what she is giving out.  Being weak is making me feel yucky.

Mama Bitch:  Exactly.

I love helping people.  LOVE.  But I’ve learned over the past few years I can only help those that want to be helped.  I can’t help everyone and I’m not helping people who have treated me like a floor treatment in the past.  My client is now getting up off the floor and politely rejecting her Faux Girlfriend.  Everyone meets people who want to treat us like the kitchen floor.  We have a choice.  Be polite and be smart about it.  You don’t have to be to nice to people who aren’t nice to you!

I’ve had a lot of success with my improv group over the past year.  We have worked very hard.  We have hussled.  We no longer  depend on other venues for booking us.   We don’t work for free anymore.  We finally have money for a coach!  We are grateful and thankful for all our success and we are on the brink of even MORE.  So now they come out.  The people who never gave us the time of day, took us seriously or were condescending toward us.  They are noticing us because we are succeeding…where they couldn’t.  You have to be careful these sorts of people will not TAKE what you have.  Because they will if you aren’t smart and protect what you worked hard to achieve.  My improv group journey has been long, crazy and sometimes what I thought was a ridiculous waste of time.  But when I look at the fun our troupe has together and see and hear the laughter of our audiences, it makes me feel so good that I created that!  I love the fact that what I created gives so much joy to people.

So…let me repeat for you in a bottomline way for you:  Stand by me and I will stand by you.   Love, Goddess

This post is dedicated to my “partner in improv crime” Giovanni.

For more:

My book on Amazon: Bitch Lifestyle the Manual

Choice, Compromise and the Drama Queen

Marilyn Monroe image from www.25.media.tumblr.com

Today we discuss the word “compromise.”  We’re discussing the word compromise because there has been confusion about what I mean when I say this:

Sign You’re a Sassy Bitch:  The word “compromise” makes you yawn.  From this article: Signs You’re a Sassy Bitch  

Some women think I’m talking about this definition of compromise:  (As defined by the Free Dictionary online)  Compromise:  com·pro·mise (kmpr-mz) Noun:  A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.   The Free Dictionary    Compromise the noun is a good thing!  Two sides meet.  Both sides want something.  Each work together so they both win.  Sometimes it takes awhile to reach an agreement, but with mutual respect and understanding this is usually doable.  There may be a little drama, but for the most part, the Sassy Bitch is in control.  Focused.  Fair.  Determined.

I’m not using the word compromise in the noun form, however.  I am using compromise in the verb form:  (As defined by the Free Dictionary online)  Compromise:  com·pro·mise (kmpr-mz) Verb:  To reduce in quality, value, or degree; weaken or lower.

A Sassy Bitch yawns because she will not compromise herself.  She will not devalue her core beliefs, lower her dignity and or weaken her passions for anything or anyone.  She knows that by giving up these things she is losing herself.  Wrong choice.  Here are examples of compromising yourself:

  1. Deep down you don’t believe that you deserve or can achieve your career aspirations.  So you never get them because you don’t fight for them.
  2. You are dating someone and give up your passions and take on his.  You do this even if you don’t enjoy his passions.
  3. You let someone talk or treat you badly.   Despite this, you are always there for them and don’t kick them to the curb like they deserve.
  4. Someone is consistently disrespectful to you.  You think if you are nicer to them they will be nicer to you.
  5. You compromise yourself when you don’t know what you want.  So you spend hours worrying about a problem, lover or career choice.

This is Drama Queen stuff.  A Drama Queen doesn’t know what she wants.  Because she is unsure, she spends a lot of time wondering about things instead of the bottom line.  Here is an example I get all the time on this site:

Comment on Bitch Lifestyle:   I’m dating this guy and I love him!  When I talked about it to him he says that he wants to “keep things as they are.”  What does that mean?  We have great sex and so much fun together.  Why doesn’t he want to be my boyfriend?

Bottom line:  This is friends with benefits.  Period.  A Sassy Bitch knows that at this very moment she has a choice.  She can either start dating other men like crazy and put him in the “he is for fun and nothing serious” category.  Or she can compromise herself and go the Drama Queen route.  Ignore what he said “the bottom line” and open up herself to heartache and pain.

So why do we “compromise” ourselves in the verb form?  A lot of times it is FEAR.  Fear of losing something we want:  a guy, a job, a faux girlfriend.  We may compromise ourselves because we want to matter and have someone to call a friend.  Someone who loves us and needs us.  We want to be needed and to matter!  But if it’s a faux girlfriend it’s a waste of our time:  The Faux Girlfriend  We choose every day to compromise or not to compromise.  We choose in a healthy way when we choose what is good for us.  When it aligns with what we want.  When we fight for something that is good for us in the long run.  We fight by side stepping fear and choosing actions that lead to what will fulfill us.   I loved the quote from my girl crush Marilyn from above.  Living in fear does lead to regrets.  For what we didn’t try, experience or fight for.  Fight for yourself by not compromising yourself!

It’s impossible to make the right decision unless we know what we want.

So make your list of what you want out of life.  Right now!  Research you.  What makes you feel good and not.  What fulfills you and your passions.  Don’t be afraid to let some things go that don’t really “do it ” for you anymore.  Make room for new discoveries that “do it for you.”  And never ever stop because someone is trying to bring you down.  Don’t let their fear of succeeding or jealousy stop you.  Love, Goddess

For More:

1.  My manual will guide you:  Bitch Lifestyle the Manual

2.  What is Fear?

3.  Bitch Lifestyle Home

© S Stevens Life Strategies