The Big O © Paul H. Byerly — Image from The XY Code

It’s something that comes up in my private coaching sessions a lot…men pleasuring a woman. I insist that a women allows herself to “surrender” and let a man pleasure her first. It’s the ultimate give and take process…letting him give you an orgasm first. It shows how much he is willing to give you. For some of us this equals a lot of anxiety. See “Embrace Our Sexual Organs.” Getting to the comfort level of allowing someone to give you so much. Relaxing so you can receive so much. When I read this article…written by a man, I just had to share it with you. It explains what is going through his mind when he is pleasuring a woman. Why it means so much to him to give you this pleasure. It shares HIS anxieties about pleasuring a woman. I’m hoping this will relieve some anxiety from some beautiful clients of mine AND touch you with how much the men who love us want to give to us! I hope to inspire deeper communication regarding the subject with the men you love. Article is by Paul H. Byerly, Marriage and Sex Educator and, along with his wife, created the website The XY Code Decoder of the Male Mind. I would like to offer him my deep appreciation for what he is communicating through his website and the priveledge of allowing me to share with you. And now…The Big O:

Why he wants her to climax every time

The full results of the survey are on the TMB website. I have numbers below, and men’s comments in a couple of sections (read these and you will hear the heart – and confusion – of the men) but I will start with some conclusions.

What it means about him

Most men feel it is very important for their wife to enjoy sex. When she does not they feel selfish, and even if they get past that they do not enjoy sex as much as when she does climax. Most men will try to get their wife to climax even when she has made it clear she does not want it (69% said they have done this). While part of this is pride, it is also rooted in not understanding how it is possible to enjoy sex without having an orgasm. To most men it is like saying you enjoyed a meal even though you did not put a single bite of food in your mouth.

Those men who have learned to be okay with her not climaxing every time say honest, open conversation helped them accept it. This involved not only “I don’t need to every time” but also explaining why she does not want or feel able to climax every time. An explanation of the enjoyment she gets from sex even when she does not have an orgasm was also important. Explaining that feeling pressured to climax makes it more difficult to get there will also be helpful.

Understand that most men enjoy sex a great deal – it is one of the very best things in life. It is natural to want to share good things with the woman you love. This is not selfish; it is the heart of love!

A few facts from the 415 women who took the survey

(Based on previous surveys we know most of these women are sex positive):

How often do you want to climax when they are sexual with their husband.

22% want to climax every time.
35% want to at least 90% of the time, but not every time.
19% want orgasm 75% to 90% of the time.
14% say 50% to 75% of the time.
6% say 25% to 50%
4% want to climax less than 25% of the time.

The desire to climax at least 75% of the time went up with age

20’s – 71%
30’s – 75%
40’s – 79%
50+ – 80%

Now for the 596 men.

Has your wife ever told you she did not want to climax when you were having or about to have sex?

Thirty six percent have never had their wife say this (this includes 14% who say she wants to every time).
Two percent heard it in the past, but not now.
Thirty-two hear this from their wife, and another 29% hear it on rare occasions.

How do you feel when she does not want to climax? (Multiple answers allowed)

39% are fine with it. In the comments it is clear many of them had to learn this.
27% feel like a failure.
14% think she really wants to, but is worried she is asking too much of him.
6% feel unloved.
The most common added answer in the comments was they feel disappointed. Others said they feel selfish or guilty.

What you think about her not wanting to climax every time?

44% are fine with it.
34% said they believe her, but cannot understand it.
20% said “It’s her body, whatever she wants.”
18% said their wife always wants to climax.
11% said she would want to if she were not so uptight.
Only 3% said, “Whatever, makes it easier for me.”

Men’s Comments:

Self-Doubt:

Maybe I’m doing something wrong.
Like I’m not satisfying her needs.
I feel I can’t satisfy her, so she’s not satisfied with me.
I feel she is not attracted to me or not enjoying sex.
I see it as a “nice” way to explain that I’m not likely to be good enough.
Feels like I forced her to have sex.
If I was more skilled she would want it more.
I still question my ability to please her.
I wonder why she does not want to make love with me, and if she just wants to get it over.
I THINK SHE’S JUST PATRONIZING ME.
I feel like I failed in foreplay to bring her to the point where she can climax. I feel like I was selfish and shorted her on her sexual experience.
I feel disconnected, and dissatisfied.

Not as Enjoyable:

I become less aroused.
It’s not as fun, and I usually feel guilty, like I’m inconveniencing her.
I feel unwanted.
Makes me not want to have sex.
If sex is “just for me” I would tend to prefer she pleases me orally or manually instead… for some reason I don’t like full intercourse as much when we’re not trying to get her there as well.
It makes it feel like a release instead of making love.
Makes me feel like sex is a chore for her and she just wants to get it over with.
Feel like I am letting her down somehow and I feel like I am missing out on something as well. Odd but I feel deprived.
Disappointed. Like I’m using her as a masturbatory toy in a way.
Feel as if she sacrifices her own pleasure for mine and must have sex for my pleasure.

Why it Matters to Him:

Giving my wife an orgasm is more pleasing to me than my own.
I think she doesn’t realize how much pleasure I get from her orgasm.
My wife’s orgasms are important to me. I understand that it has to do with feelings of esteem and sexual potency. I also understand that men receive pleasure by giving pleasure. I am pleased when I believe my wife is pleased sexually.
I like it more after I please her. It’s the best foreplay for me.
I would rather that she climax almost every time because it would mean that she was having as much fun as I am.
Although I am trying to change the thought I have always felt that a climax indicated that the sex was good. When she doesn’t climax or doesn’t want to climax it makes me feel like a failure as a lover. I want her to climax so she can get as much enjoyment from sex as I do.
It’s usually the fact that she knows I want/need sex but she doesn’t so she basically says “just do it”, which I don’t want… I want love making.
Because my wife has given up on even trying to have an orgasm, that tells me that sex is nothing more than a chore for her. I’ve told her that, but she says that providing an orgasm for me is satisfying to her. I appreciate that, but it hurts me to the core of my being that she does not selfishly desire sex for the pleasure it could bring to her. I so long for her to truly WANT sex instead of simply tolerate it because she knows I enjoy it.

Questioning Her or Upset With Her:

I think it sometimes is a matter of it taking too long in her mind.
She must be in a hurry.
Frustrated because I think this should be the normal outcome.
Her choosing not to orgasm, makes it OK for her not to work on having a great sex life.
I wish she would at least try.
I get a lot of “duty sex”. So it’s not surprising she doesn’t regularly orgasm. When she is aroused it doesn’t take too much.
She NEVER wants an orgasm, and REFUSES anything except PIV to even try.
Not every time, but should be usually… rather than rarely. Is it sexual laziness?
If she’d orgasm every time she’d want to have more sex.
My wife never has and is fearful of it. I wish she would overcome her fear and experience pleasure that God intended for us to share in.
She has spectacular orgasms most of the time w/o much effort so it is hard to understand why she wouldn’t want to.
She NEVER wants to, so I have grown numb.
I’m concerned that the sex is only out of wifely duty instead of wanting me.
She has had only one orgasm in her life (very early on in our relationship pre-marriage). She refuses to even try and has made comments that she is “broken” in that department. Her defeated attitude is very discouraging to me.
My wife thinks sex is dirty. She thinks I am a crazed animal. She believes as long as she lays there and lets me “do her” then I should be happy.

Acceptance:

If she is okay with it I am okay with it.
It used to bother me, but she has since explained pretty well why she doesn’t sometimes.
She has told me outright that there are times she wants to bless me and concentrate on me because I am the higher drive spouse. I’m ok with that now.
The point of lovemaking is the satisfaction of both partners, and satisfaction is relative. It is a joint affair, and particular needs or wants can and often do change as lovemaking progresses. So if one partners satisfaction means that he or she does not orgasm in a particular encounter, I see no trouble with it, as long as both parties understand what that means and why.
She enjoys our time together, but doesn’t need to orgasm every 72 hours like I do.
I know that her desires are different to mine and I accept that. I don’t necessarily understand but I don’t have to. She also knows that if she asks I am always willing to get her over anyway she likes or she can get herself over during sex if she wants to.
Sometimes she has multiple orgasms and she says she is “way ahead of me” if we were keeping score, so its ok if she doesn’t every time. (her words, not mine)
I used to take it personally. I did not understand when she said she enjoyed being close without it. We are better now – since I stopped pressuring her, she’s freer to climax. Sometimes she even helps herself.
I wish I knew earlier that it was somewhat natural for her not to want to orgasm. I chased after it and she began to resent it. She still doesn’t believe that it’s generally ok with me and that I understand. Still, I think that it would be good if she considered it a little more (see I still don’t get it). Once a month is about what she can handle.

Other:

It was my ego that made me want her to climax every time. It made ME feel better for her to have one.
At our age, she always climaxes. When we were younger, she couldn’t make it sometimes, and I was OK with trying again some other night. These days, it is more likely me that cannot make it due to medications.
My goal is for her to orgasm every time.
I would do anything and spend any amount of time to bring your great pleasure. Sometimes she just isn’t there.
I feel selfish for continuing. But she wants to be giving towards me and wants me to climax.
She never wants to try and won’t let me stimulate her at all which makes me sad.
She says it’s still good for her, but I’d like to get her there.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I understand the pain so many of these men have expressed.

Interesting no? More reading for you to ponder: