The Deflection

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A.  The Deflection Defined:   It’s when you call a man on his crap and he deflects by putting it on you.

Example:  This is priceless.  It’s from Lisa, one of our hotties on our Bitch Lifestyle Facebook page.   Lisa was dating a guy and he got drunk before they started a date!  She called him on it.  Saying it was “unacceptable.”  His response?  She was being “judgemental.”  I love how our Sassy Bitch was all “LOL…well yeah!”  The deflection was incorporated by this guy when he called her “judgemental.”

B:  Why do men use Deflection in an argument? 

  1. Guys admit that if you “give an inch, we’ll take a mile.” They want to see what the boundaries are with you.  So they test you.  This is the wild child in them.  And Tarzan needs Jane-a woman he respects-to keep him in line.
  2. Men think women are “emotional.”  He doesn’t know what is going to set you off.  He has learned that he can “set you off” by playing with your emotional buttons.  Calling you something like “judgemental” works on women that he can control and walk all over.  And yes, who wants to be called “judgmental?”  We women want to be seen as “reasonable.”  A strong, confident sassy woman sees the hogwash behind deflection.  Important:  Understand that the really good men will do this so they don’t get too involved with a woman who they think is over the top emotional. (like the Faux Girlfriend ) Who can blame them?  We don’t want her in our lives either.  We’re dumping the Faux Girlfriends, too!  Setting the boundaries about what isn’t going to fly with you works with the bad guys and the good men.  Either way works.
  3. Men don’t like admitting they are wrong.  So they deflect.  Making him admit he is wrong-just words.  And it’s emasculating.  So don’t make it about YOUR EGO just to make him say he was wrong.  Watch his actions.  Make that your barometer on how things proceed.

C.  Here’s how you handle Deflection:

  1. Like Lisa did.  With humor and conviction.
  2. Call him on his deflection.  You could say something like, “Yeah I’m being judgemental and you don’t look good.”
  3. If you’re dating more seriously?  And you’ve called him on his deflecting ways in the past?  You could say, “You’re deflecting.”  Then state what won’t fly.  Repeat if necessary.
  4. Don’t react emotionally.  Then he knows he has control.

Guys are going to deflect blame in arguments.  I think it’s in their DNA. (said with playful sarcasm)  Listen for the signs of deflection.  At first, you are going to feel yucky when he does it.  Being called “judgemental” is designed to do that.  When you understand the motive behind it-for him to gain control-you can take the power back.  When you do it in a “bottom line” type way, that will really rock his world!  The bad guys won’t be able to control you and disappear.  Good riddance.  You’re way too much woman for him.  The good men?  They’ll stick around.  They’ll call you on your crap back. See Mind Games:  Playing Hard to Get Part Two  There will be reciprocal listening and respect.   Mmmmm….and you are so worth this hot, sexy kind of REAL man!

Love, Goddess

Want more?  Read my book Bitch Lifestyle the Manual

© S Stevens Life Strategies

2 thoughts on “The Deflection

  1. I don’t think I can express how much your articles mean to me right now. I’ve been going through these kinds of games all my life with men, the past four years in particular have been like a mental tennis match with one man in particular that i’m, truth be told, head over heels in love with. but i’m always deconstructing his words to figure out how they make me feel, and how I should be feeling, and I was so tired…I was so tired of working so hard to protect whatever dignity I KNOW I HAVE. I have cried and hurt so much, I’ve started getting grey hairs and acne (and I’m only 28) — I just don’t know how to thank you.

    I read your articles and I feel like I can finally relax into myself. I don’t need to find reasons to honour myself. I just CAN honour myself by being a bitch, like you say (in a good way). Reading your articles, I must say, brings out this side of me that I think I lost in this intense relationship. I used to be so carefree, travel all the time, love to party, loved fashion, loved taking care of my friends and family….

    OK, I’m talking too much now (that’s means I’m really Anyway, I’m just SO HONOURED to be getting honest, self-respecting advice FOR ONCE. I’ve so friggin sick of all the advice out there that tells us how to attract him. I-DONT-WANT-TO-ATTRACT-HIM as much as I want to like myself in teh relationship FIRST.

    Your website right now is such an empowering force for me. So thank you and God bless! xoxoxoxo

  2. Hi Sarah! Thanks so much for your passionate words. (Huge beaming smile) I am so glad that you are now a member of our Sassy Bitch Rebellion! xoxo Goddess

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